It was not my original intention to return anywhere near this place. I have many unresolved feelings about Mogadao, Zhen, and the people I participated with there, as well as my own actions. But, I believe that writing this will help me resolve some of what I'm feeling, and maybe even inform other people's processes.

I want to speak to the incredibly destructive and evil nature of this institution. I entered Mogadao to help me in my intimate relationship. Many things coalesced to lead me to this place, and it felt like a powerful arrival had happened. I ended up spending a year of fully devout practice in Mogadao, sacrificing much, as many people did in the years I was there, (2018 and 2019).

Mogadao, in addition to being a place of deep philosophy and intellectual teaching, is supposed to be a place for spiritual mastery. And indeed, many other students had been part of shamanic teachings in the past. Mogadao is the greatest violation of the spirit world I have ever witnessed. The rituals we did are still beyond my comprehension. They involved whatever was in Zhen's imagination at the time, and so had no traditional root. They were simply invented on the spot.

My experience is the proof that these rituals were not and will never be safe. Over a year's time, we did many rituals. I had given up all medicinal, psychoactive plants and was completely sober for the year of my participation in Mogadao. But what ensued changed my life so dramatically, I can't believe I wasn't fucked up on Ayahuasca the whole time. The spirits were coming to me on my own in the year of 2018 and shifting my awareness to the Earth and my relationship with it. Mogadao became the place where that awareness became desecrated.

My mind shifted in such a way that I became schizophrenic, hallucinating and participating in so-called rituals, EVERYWHERE I went. If Zhen is such a powerful shaman, why couldn't they see what was happening with me? Why did no one speak to my strange behavior or darkness? I was betrayed by a wolf in sheep's clothing. Mogadao is the bastardized image of the sacred, in which evil is cloaked in a shroud of illusion. The worst part, is that I was so devout. I have never committed to anything in my life like I committed to practicing every single teaching I learned there. And it attacked me. All the hours I put in self-cultivating and doing all this other hypersexual bullshit resulted in a massive schizophrenic breakdown and wound me up in jail for a fucking year.

I take total ownership for my participation there. But at the same time, I put my faith and trust totally into someone who was supposed to be my spiritual teacher. And they not only let me down; they ruined a good part of my life. The beautiful news is that I'm better now. I've had a full recovery of the mind, and my legal stuff is getting worked out. But to anyone who thinks they can play shaman and organize shadow rituals and take advantage of the beautiful innocence in someone's soul, beware. There are repercussions for you. And for anyone with a beautiful, innocent soul who is seeking the meaning of Love and Truth, be oh so careful where you cast your pearls. That is all. Thank you for reading my story.